Heard any good ones? e-mail them to us! email@example.com
Found on a application for a goverment job
I dont do very good work but i am slow.
A Manager of a towing company is reviewing a potential
application and notices that the man has never worked in towing before.
He says to the man, "For a man with no experience, and little education, you are
certainly asking for a high wage."
"I 'm educated enough to understand...
work is much harder when you don't know what you're doing!"
SPECIAL HIGH INTENSITY TRAINING (S.H.I.T.)
in order to assure the highest levels of quality work and productivity from employees,
it will be our policy to keep all employees well trained,through our program of >>
>special high intensity training (s.h.i.t.). we are trying to give our employees more
S.H.I.T. than anyone else. if you feel that you do not receive your share of
S.H.I.T. on the job,please see your supervisor. you will be immediately placed at the top
of the S.H.I.T. list. and our supervisors are especially skilled at seeing that you
get all the S.H.I.T. you can handle. Employees who do not take their S.H.I.T will be
placed in departmental employee evaluation program (D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T.). those who fail to
take D.E.E.P.S.H.I.T. seriously will have to go to employee attitude
training (E.A.T.S.H.I.T.) Since you supervisor took S.H.I.T. before they were promoted, they do not have to do S.H.I.T.
anymore, because they are full of S.H.I.T. already. if you are full of S.H.I.T. you may be interested in job training
others. We can add your name to our Basic Understanding Lecture List (B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T.) Those are full of
B.U.L.L.S.H.I.T. will get S.H.I.T. jobs, and can apply for promotion to Director of Intensity Programming (D.I.P.S.H.T.) It you have any questions, please direct them to our Head of Training Special High Intensity Training (H.O.T.S.H.I.T.) Thank You,
Boss in General
Special High Intensity Training
* Why is an orange the only fruit named after it's color or was the color named after
the fruit? * If matter and anti-matter come in contact with each other and there is a huge
explosion, what are they going to store anti-matter in? * If it's true that we are here to
help others, then what exactly are the OTHERS here for? * So what's the speed of dark? *
If all those phsycics know all the lottery numbers, why are they still working? * If you
jogged backward, would you gain weight? * What do you call a pocket calculator in a nudist
camp? * If you put instant coffee in a microwave, would you go back in time? * How come if
you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you, but if you take him in the car, he sticks his
head out the window? * Is "RAM disk" an installation procedure? * Why use a big
word, when a diminutive one will suffice? * Isn't depression just unenthusiastic anger?
* If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends? * Isn't dancing just a perpendicular expression of a horizontal desire? * What happens if you get scared half to death twice? * How come stealing ideas from one person is plagiarism; but stealing from many is research? * Why do bills travel through the mail at twice the speed of checks? * Why do people who know the least know it the loudest? * Can a blind person feel blue? * Since women have PMS, isn't it only fair that men should have ESPN? * What's the point in being pessimistic? It probably won't work, anyway. * What if there were no hypothetical situations? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * How can the weather be hot as hell one day and cold as hell another? * How is it that a house can burn up as it burns down? * Why do we say an alarm clock goes off when it really goes on? * Do they have reserved parking for regular people at the Special Olympics?
* If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi? * If you have a bunch of odds and ends and get rid of all but one of them, what do you call it? * Did you ever wonder where people in hell tell people to go? * Are you telling the truth when you lie in bed? * If your vacuum cleaner really sucks, is that good? * Why do hot dogs come ten in a package and the buns only eight? *Why is the third hand on the watch called the second hand? * Is a computer virus covered by Medicare?
* How do you know when a Smurf suffocates? * If the shortest distance between two points is a line, why does waiting in one take so long? * Are part-time band leaders semi-conductors? * Can a stupid person be a smart-ass? * Can you get cavities in your dentures if you use too much artificial sweetener? * If you are floating in space and you do half a somersault, are you upside down? * Despite the high cost of living, have you noticed how it remains so popular? * Why do they call them STANDARD options when you have to pay extra for them? * Do wet hens really get mad? * If a word is misspelled in a dictionary, how would we ever know? * If two mouses are mice and two louses are lice, why aren't two houses hice?
* If Webster wrote the first dictionary, where did he find the words? * In Chinese, why are the words for crisis and opportunity the same? * Where do swear words come from? * Why can't you make another word using all the letters in "anagram"? * Why do people use the word "irregardless"? * Why do we say something is out of whack? What is a whack?
* Why do we say something's out of order when its broken but we never say in of order when it works? * Why does "slow down" and "slow up" mean the same thing? * Why does X stand for a kiss and O stand for a hug? * Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? * Why is it that writers write but fingers don't fing, grocers don't groce and hammers don't ham?
* Why is the alphabet in that order? Is it because of that song? * Why is the plural of goose-geese, and not the plural of moose-meese? * How does skating on thin ice get you into hot water? * Why do they have signs at Burger King that say, "Picture menus available for those who need them"? If you can't read, how can you ask for a picture menu? * If a case of the clap spreads is it called applause? * Why do fat chance and slim chance mean the same thing? * Why does "cleave" mean both split apart and stick together? * Why does flammable and inflammable mean the same thing? * Why do 'tug' boats push their barges? * Why do we sing 'Take me out to the ball game', when we are already there? * Why are they called 'stands' when they're made for sitting? * Why is it called 'after dark', when it is really after light? * Doesn't expecting the unexpected make the unexpected become the expected? * You can't have everything ... where would you put it? * When someone asks you, "A penny for your thoughts," and you put your two cents in, what happens to the other penny? * Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker? * Why do croutons come in airtight packages? It's just stale bread to begin with. * When cheese gets it's picture taken, what does it say? * Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race
car not called a racist? * Why are a wise man and a wise guy opposites? * Why do overlook and oversee mean opposite things? * If horrific means to make horrible, does terrific mean to make terrible? * Why isn't 11 pronounced onety one?
* If lawyers are disbarred and clergymen defrocked, doesn't it follow that electricians can be delighted, musicians denoted, cowboys deranged, models deposed, tree surgeons debarked and dry cleaners depressed? * If people from Poland are called "Poles," why aren't people from Holland called "Holes?" * Why is phonics not spelled the way it sounds? * If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? * If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? * If FedEx and UPS were to merge, would they call it FedUp? * If mothers feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks, what do Chinese
mothers use. Toothpicks? * If two voyeurs work together, are they "peers"? * Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims? * Is it possible to have a civil war? * If all the world is a stage, where is the audience sitting? * If God dropped acid, would he see people? * If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular? * If the #2 pencil is the most popular, why is it still #2?
* If work is so terrific, how come they have to pay you to do it? * If you're born again, do you have two bellybuttons? * If you try to fail, and succeed, which have you done? * Is a castrated pig disgruntled? * If you ate pasta and antipasta, would you still be hungry? * Do Lipton Tea employees take coffee breaks? * What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men? * Can fat people go skinny-dipping? * Why, in a country of free speech, are there phone bills? * When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're sitting there, staring at carpeting? * If someone has a mid-life crises while playing hide and seek, does he automatically lose because he can't find himself? * Instead of talking to your plants, if you yelled at them, would they still grow, but only to be troubled and insecure? * Can you be a closet claustrophobic?
* Is it possible to be totally partial? * If a book about failures doesn't sell, is it a success? * If a funeral procession is at night, do folks drive with their lights off? * When companies ship Styrofoam, what do they pack it in? * If you're cross-eyed and have dyslexia, can you read all right? * Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift? * What do you do when you see an endangered animal that eats only endangered plants? * Why is it that we recite at a play and play at a recital? * Why don't tomb, comb, and bomb sound alike? * If the singular of GEESE is GOOSE, shouldn't a Portuguese person be called a
Portugoose? * Why is bra singular and panties plural? * When you open a bag of cotton balls, is the top one meant to be thrown away? * Why do they report power outages on TV? * If a man overdoses on Viagra, how do they get the casket lid shut? * If the insurance companies are going to set guidelines before approving Viagra coverage, what are they going to use? A growth chart? * If a light-sleeper sleeps with a light on, what does a hard-sleeper sleep with? * Why are hemorrhoids called "hemorrhoids" instead of "asteroids"? * If swimming is so good for your figure, how do you explain whales? * Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the volume on the radio? * You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they make the whole plane out of the same substance? * If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the headlights? * Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes? * Why do banks charge you a "non-sufficient funds fee" on money they already know you don't have? * Why do you press harder on a remote control when you know the battery is dead? * Since light travels faster than sound, isn't that why some people appear bright until you hear them speak? * If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be? * Isn't Disney World a people trap operated by a mouse? * Why are they called buildings, when they're already finished? Shouldn't they be called builts? * Why is the alphabet in that order? * If the universe is everything, and scientists say that the universe is expanding, what
is it expanding into? * If you got into a taxi and the driver started driving backward, would the taxi driver end up owing you money? * Why is a carrot more orange than an orange? * Why are there 5 syllables in the word "monosyllabic"? * Why do scientists call it research when looking for something new? * If vegetarians eat vegetables, what do humanitarians eat?
* When I erase a word with a pencil, where does it go? * Why is it, when a door is open it's ajar, but when a jar is open, it's not a door? * Why do we put suits in a garment bag and put garments in a suitcase? * Why are they called apartments, when they're all stuck together? * Why does sour cream have an expiration date? * Who is General failure and why is he reading my disk? * The light went out, but where to? * Does the reverse side also have a reverse side? * What would a chair look like if your knees bent the other way? * If a tree falls in the forest and no one is around to see it do the other trees make fun of it?
* When two airplanes almost collide why do they call it a near miss?? It sounds like a near hit to me!! * Do fish get cramps after eating? * How come abbreviated is such a long word? * Why do they call it the Department of Interior when they are in charge of everything outdoors? * Tell a man that there are 400 billion stars and he'll believe you. Tell him a bench has wet paint and he has to touch it. * How come Superman could stop bullets with his chest, but always ducked when someone threw a gun at him? * Do infants have as much fun in their infancy as adults do in adultery? * If "con" is the opposite of "pro," then what is the opposite of progress? * Why is lemon juice mostly artificial ingredients but dishwashing liquid contains real lemons?
* How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it? * Why buy a product that it takes 2000 flushes to get rid of? * Why do we wait until a pig is dead to "cure" it? * Why do we wash bath towels? Aren't we clean when we use them?
* Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?* Whose cruel idea was it for the word "lisp" to have an "s" in it?* What do little birdies see when they get knocked unconscious? * Why doesn't Tarzan have a beard? * If man evolved from monkeys and apes, why do we still have monkeys and apes? * Should you trust a stockbroker who's married to a travel agent?
* Is boneless chicken considered to be an invertebrate? * Do married people live longer than single people or does it just SEEM longer? * I went to a bookstore and asked the saleswoman, "Where's the self-help section?" She said if she told me, it would defeat the purpose. * If all those psychics know the winning lottery numbers, why are they all still working? * Sooner or later, doesn't EVERYONE stop smoking? * Isn't the best way to save face to keep the lower part shut? * War doesn't determine who's right, just who's left. * If a man is standing in the middle of the forest speaking and there is no woman
around to hear him, is he still wrong? * If a deaf person swears, does his mother wash his hands with soap? * If someone with multiple personalities threatens to kill himself, is it considered a hostage situation? * Is there another word for synonym?
* Isn't it a bit unnerving that doctors call what they do "practice?" * When sign makers go on strike, is anything written on their signs? * Where do forest rangers go to "get away from it all?" * Why isn't there mouse-flavored cat food? * If a parsley farmer is sued, can they garnish his wages? * Would a fly without wings be called a walk? * Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone will clean them? * If a turtle doesn't have a shell, is he homeless or naked? * Why don't sheep shrink when it rains? * Can vegetarians eat animal crackers? * If the police arrest a mime, do they tell him he has the right to remain
silent? * Why do they put Braille on the drive-through bank machines? * How do they get the deer to cross at that yellow road sign? * Why do they sterilize the needles for lethal injections? * Why did kamikaze pilots wear helmets? * Why do they call it a TV set when you only get one? * If a cow laughs, does milk come out of its nose? * Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive? * Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there? * How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings? * If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors * Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways? * Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when you transport something by ship, it's called cargo? * Does the Little Mermaid wear an algebra?
An Anagram, as you all know, is a word or phrase made by transposing or
rearranging the letters of another word or phrase. The following are
exceptionally clever. Someone out there either has way too much time to
waste and/ or is deadly at Scrabble.
original word when you re-arrange the letters
Dormitory= Dirty Room
Desperation =A Rope Ends It
The Morse Code= Here Come Dots
Slot Machines= Cash Lost in 'em
Animosity= Is No Amity
Mother-in-law =Woman Hitler
Snooze Alarms =Alas! No More Z's
Alec Guinness= Genuine Class
Semolina =Is No Meal
The Public Art Galleries= Large Picture Halls, I Bet
A Decimal Point =I'm a Dot in Place
The Earthquakes =That Queer Shake
Eleven plus two =Twelve plus one
Contradiction =Accord not in it
And for the grand finale:
PRESIDENT CLINTON OF THE USA
It can be rearranged (with no letters left over, and using each letter
only once) into:
TO COPULATE HE FINDS INTERNS
City of Los Angeles
High School Math Proficiency Exam
1. Duane has an AK47 with a 30 round clip. If he misses 6 out of
10 shots and shoots 13 times at each drive by shooting, how many
drive by shootings can he attempt before he has to reload?
2. If Jose has 2 ounces of cocaine and he sells an 8 ball to
Jackson for $320 and 2 grams to Billy for $85 per gram, what is
the street value of the balance of the cocaine if he doesn't cut it?
3. Rufus is pimping for 3 girls. If the price is $65 for each
trick, how many tricks will each girl have to turn so Rufus can
pay for his $800 per day crack habit?
4. Jarome wants to cut his 1/2 pound of Heroin to make 20% more
profit. How many ounces of cut will he need?
5. Willie gets $200 for stealing a BMW, $50 for a Chevy and $100
for a 4x4. If he has stolen 2 BMW's and 3 4x4's, how many Chevy's
will he have to steal to make $800?
6. Raoul is in prison for 6 years for murder. He got $10,000 for
the hit. If his common law wife is spending $100 per month, how
much money will he have left when he gets out of prison and how
many years will he get for killing the bitch that spent his
7. If the average spray paint can covers 22 square feet and the
average letter is 3 square feet, how many letters can a tagger
spray with 3 cans of paint?
8. Hector knocked up 6 girls in his gang. There are 27 girls in
the gang. What percentage of the girls in the gang has Hector
Subject: Fw: Poetry Contest
The National Poetry Contest had come down to
two semifinalists - A Yale graduate and a redneck from Kentucky. They
were given a word, then allowed two minutes to study the word a come up
with a poem that contained the word. The word they were given was
First to recite his poem was the Yale
graduate. He stepped to the microphone and said:
Slowly across the desert sand,
Trekked a lonely caravan,
Men on camels, two by two,
Destination - Timbuktu.
The crowd went crazy! No way could the,
redneck top that, they thought.
The redneck calmly made his way to the microphone and recited:
Me and Tim a huntin went,
Met three whores in a pop up tent,
They was three, and we was two,
So I bucked one, and Timbuktu.
One dismal rainy night in London, a taxi driver spotted an arm waving
from the shadows of an alley halfway down the block.
Even before he rolled to a stop at the curb, a figure leaped into the
cab and slammed the door. Checking his rear view mirror as he pulled
away, he was startled to see a dripping wet, naked woman sitting in the
"Where to?" he stammered.
"King's Cross," answered the woman.
"You got it," he said, taking another long glance in the mirror.
The woman caught him staring at her and asked, "Just what the hell are
you looking at driver?"
"Well madam," he answered, "I was just wondering how you'll pay your
The woman spread her legs, put her feet up on the front seat, smiled at
the driver and said, "Does this answer your question?"
Still looking in the mirror, the cabby asked, "Got anything smaller?"
Mike and Maureen landed on Mars after accumulating
enough frequent flier miles. They met a Martian couple
and were talking about all sorts of things. Mike asked
if Mars had a stock market, if they had laptop computers, and how they made money,
Finally, Maureen brought up the subject of sex. "Just
how do you guys do it?" asked Maureen.
The male Martian responded, "Pretty much the way you do."
A discussion ensued, and finally the couples decided
to swap partners for the night. Maureen and the male
Martian went off to a bedroom where the Martian
stripped. Maureen was disappointed to find that he had
a teeny weeny member, about half an inch long and just a quarter inch thi=
"I don't think this is going to work," said Maureen.
"Why?" he asked. "What's the matter?"
"Well," she replied, "it's just not long enough to reach me!"
"No problem," he said, and proceeded to slap his
forehead with his palm. With each slap, his member
grew until it was impressively long.
"Well," she said, "that's quite impressive, but it's
still pretty narrow."
"No problem," he said, and started pulling his ears.
With each pull, his member grew wider and wider.
"Wow!" she exclaimed. They fell into bed and made mad,
passionate love. The next day, the couples joined their
normal partners and went their separate ways. As they
walked along, Mike asked, "Well, was it any good?"
"I hate to say it," said Maureen, "but it was pretty
wonderful. How about you?"
"It was horrible," he replied. "All I got was a terrible headache.
She kept slapping my forehead and
pulling my ears."
An atheist was taking a walk through the woods. What majestic trees! What powerful rivers! What beautiful animals!" he said to himself.
As he was walking alongside the river he heard a rustling in the bushes behind him. He turned to look and saw a 7 -foot grizzly charging towards him. He ran as fast as he could up the path. He looked over his shoulder
and saw that the bear was closing in on him. He looked over his shoulder again, and the bear was even closer.
He tripped and fell on the ground. He rolled over to pick himself up but saw the bear right on top of him, reaching for him with his left paw and raising his right paw to strike him. At that instant the atheist cried out: "Oh my God "
The bear froze.
The forest was silent.
As a bright light shone upon the man, a voice came out of the sky: "You
Deny my existence for all of these years, teach others I don't exist, and
even credit creation to a cosmic accident. Do you expect me to help you out of this predicament? Am I to count you as a believer?"
The atheist looked directly into the light, "It would be hypocritical of me to suddenly ask you to treat me as a Christian now, but perhaps could you make the BEAR a Christian?"
"Very well," said the voice.
The light went out. The sounds of the forest resumed. The bear dropped his right paw, sat back on his haunches, brought both paws together, bowed his head and spoke:
"Lord, bless this food, which I am about to receive from thy bounty ..thru our lord... Amen."